Every 11 pm, when I leave the law library, I pass through an adjacent building that is typically vacant by this time of night. Typically, there is nobody there, except for the elderly janitor. He’s about 50-ish and he’s Latino – from Mexico or Central America from the accent I heard from him when he was speaking with a co-worker one night. And every night as I pass through the lonely building, I see the classic yellow mop bucket with a mop in it. Or I hear the floor buffer. Or I hear a vacuum cleaner. Most of the time, I see him cleaning the glass doors. He cleans the glass on these doors, glass that is never smudged through out the day. He cleans an already clean surface. And as I pass through the glass doors, he pauses to let me by, and all I can do is give him a brief flash of a tepid smile. It kills me.

He reminds me of my mother. My mother who spent years in this country cleaning other people’s messes. Serving as a maid for people of a higher income bracket. Doing menial labor so she can provide for her children.

My mother died a little over 9 years ago. It’s unfortunate, because she was never able to benefit from the seeds she sowed. She was never able to quit those bullshit menial jobs. She never saw me graduate college or heard me gain admission into law school.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel when I pass the elderly janitor. Sometimes, I can barely look at him because I see the tragedy that is life. A grown man who shouldn’t be doing this type of work, relegated to cleaning already clean glass doors because this isn’t his country and perhaps he doesn’t have the language proficiency or the educational experience or the network to not do that damned job. I see my mother. Sometimes, I want to talk to him, to find out where he’s from, why he came to the U.S. and what his life experiences have taught him. Sometimes, I want to talk to my mother.

I can’t explain it.

After my two exam periods this 1L year, I’ve noticed that I get the same thing that happens to me – the post-semester blues, or as I like to call it “Post 1L Stress Disorder.” What does this label that sounds curiously similar to now familiar term of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) actually mean? Well, IMHO it’s the irregular manifestations of emotions that crop up during the 1-2 week period after the madness that is first-year law school exams.

So, after fall semester exams, I was so thrilled to have about 2 weeks off with nothing to do. Instead of planning a trip out to NYC to visit some friends, I decided to recuperate in town. Big mistake. Because instead of getting away from the place where I had memories of toiling over legal work, I stayed there to “relax” – ‘cept everybody else had left. So what ended up happening? Well, I could not sleep at all – which is very strange for me. I would sleep 3-4 hours a night and just wake up and be up. That’s at 3 o’clock or 5 o’clock, essentially whenever. I did not want to be alone at all, but I hated hanging out with people or talking on the phone. I couldn’t find the motivation to handle items on my to do list. So you know I didn’t even want to go to the movies or work out. I felt lifeless and disillusioned. It was really, really strange and disturbing to me. I didn’t feel comfortable until I had started grinding and slaving away in the library.

Well, after spring semester finals, I knew what to expect. So I chucked the deuces (i.e. said goodbye) and dipped out (i.e. left lol) back to my hometown. And since I had forgotten how to relax, I forced myself to 1) get some full nights of sleep and take a lot of naps, 2) work out a bit, 3) watch more TV than I normally do, 4) hangout with my friends and family, 5) go to the movies and 6) go outside. I definitely feel better as a result. I did have some of the listless symptoms from the previous semester, but it wasn’t as bad. I’m glad for that.

So nothing is cracking out here at all really. I’ve got some things I want to write up for whoever reads this blog lol. We’ll see if I can get it popping.

Who knew that my first year at this prestigious law school would come by so quickly. Why I can remember when I got the voicemail saying that I had been accepted… ah, I was so proud and so hopeful. God had blessed me in such a wondrous way.  Then God threw me into the fire known as 1L (i.e. first year of law school) and said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” And boy did that fire burn, but boy was he right… especially after going through first semester and feeling inadequate come exam time yet getting the same grades that everybody else got.

So, here I am about to get into exams manana, (Torts if you must know) and damn, I realized I don’t really know my legal doctrine that well. They say that you can never know everything about the law, but whew, I am screwed right now (at least as far as Torts is concerned lol). Before I started spring semester of my 1L year, I had told myself that with one semester already down I would learn from my mistakes and roar back stronger than ever. And… I did… for a while… until I got tired and complacent and realized that studying law 24-7 sucks. So that intensity I showed for the first two months took a nose-dive when I went on Spring Break to California. Sigh… California…

But I digress. Essentially, I’m getting at a few points. First, barring any unforeseen tragedy, I’ll have made it through my first year in law school and all glory be to God for that. Second, despite my best intentions, I didn’t study enough for these exams, and it’s gonna be up to the Big Man Upstairs to help a brother out. Third and most importantly, based on past experience, even though I’m battling stressing out… I’ll be fine.

Wish me luck y’all.